I know you are, but what am I?

Unfettered by karmic pronouncements, Rick Santorum has already begun designing lesson plans for homeschooling his kids in the White House. According to documents uncovered by the Twenty-first Century Democrats PAC, these plans include an Ayn Rand read-along, an uncritical analysis of the Federalist Papers, and Econ 101 via Hayek.

It was revealed during a friendly Saturday-evening game of Trivial Pursuit with Jeb Bush that Bob Wise is, in fact, the IBM supercomputer, Watson. He (or is it “it”?) was uncovered after correctly answering fifteen questions in a row, and then botching the wedge question, “What does the acronym NGA stand for?” with the non sequitur: “sand castles.” Upon further questioning he started smoking out of one ear.

Not wanting to anger, annoy, or antagonize members of “nontraditional” families, parents in PC County, Vermont are petitioning to ban use of the words “picket fence,” “mothers and fathers,” “straight,” and “marriage” in the district’s classrooms. They are to be replaced with “home-area accoutrements,” “guardians,” “linear,” and “coupling.” (“Traditional” is out, too, replaced by “archaic”.)

Not to be one-upped by reform-minded state chiefs,  Dennis Walcott, John Deasy, Jean-Claude Brizard, and John Covington have teamed up to form Superintendents for Superiority. From the new organization’s press release: “You think the Chiefs are the only ones who can be alliterative? Think again.” Coming soon: Principals for Proficiency, Teachers for Terrificness, and Janitors for Joviality.

During a behind-closed-doors conversation between Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel and CTU President Karen Lewis about potentially lengthening each quarter of Chicago high school football games, the former allegedly told the latter that she was “a loud-mouth, debutant a-hole always used to getting her way,” while the latter allegedly told the former that he was a “massive jerkburger with a side of pickles.” Rahm allegedly (and succinctly) retorted “F you,” to which Lewis allegedly rebutted “OOO! You swore! I’m telling Stephanie Banchero!” Of course, all of this is speculation.

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